I'm Ready For My Closeup

The Hollywood Reporter has hinted that several producers are looking for the right vehicle for Sarah Palin, should she be "available" after the election.

Among the possibilities are:

A news program on Fox
"Red, White and Gucci"

An afternoon talk show
"The White Oprah"

Or a reality series featuring the entire Palin family
"Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?"

Actually that one's already taken.

Going For The Bronze

First there were the Olympics, then came the Para Olympics.
Now, this weekend, Beijing will be hosting the
Global Financial Crisis Olympics.
World leaders from 45 European and Asian nations will be meeting to discuss the current financial situation.

Unlike the other games though, in place of competition they will be basically be working together to deal with

high hurdles, long shots and just pain treading water.

Hello Dehli

India has at last entered the space age.
Chandrayaan-1 blasted off for the moon shortly after dawn Wednesday as the entire Indian nation watched on television.

Scientists applauded and hugged each other.
"Today we proudly go to into space to unravel the mysteries of the Moon."

In a related story, Lewis and Clark set out to discover the Northwest Passage.

How Do You Spell Recession?

The Republican National Committee has reportedly spent more than $150,000 to clothe and accessorize Sarah Palin and her family.

Bill O'Reilly has signed a new contract with Fox News. Four more years at ten million a year.

85 year old Viacom chief, Sumner Redstone and his wife of five years are divorcing. The split was amicable with the ex Mrs. Redstone, 46 year old Paula Fortunato, receiving at least $5 million.

And in other news...
Joe Six Pack is down to one Tall Boy a day
Joe the Plumber has pawned all of his tools except for his plunger
and Main Street will now be one way and a dead end.

Honey, Is That You?

The polls continue to show falling numbers for the GOP and the "Republican Male" is feeling a bit 'down'.

Not to fear. It's happened before.

After a failed 1996 bid for the White House, Bob Dole reversed the sagging 'ego's' of these red blooded Republican males when he began shilling for Pfizer and doing Viagra ads.

If the Republicans end up losing this election, look for a similar 'rise' in attitude soon after with ...

"Sarah in the Morning"

The new star of Right Wing talk radio. Guaranteed to get you up and raring to go.

Republican housewives. Hang on to your hats.

More Fashion and Politics

Mr. Blackwell, the fashion designer best know for skewering celebrities about their fashion faux pas on his 'Worst Dressed' list, died on Sunday at the age of 86.

It was a bit of a blow to the McCain campaign as they were looking for Mr. Blackwell's endorsement to counter that of General Colin Powell's endorsement of Barack Obama.
Even more stinging were Mr. Blackwell's last words.

"Tell Ms. Palin to lose the glasses. She looks like Charles Nelson Reilly in drag".

What Price Vanity?

Fashion rarely follows politics, but as in so many other things, this year is different.

Women are wearing 'Sarah' glasses and displaying big smiles.

Democratic men, like 'Joe the Senator', are getting hair transplants and displaying big egos.

Republican men, like their new hero, 'Joe the Plumber' are shaving their heads and displaying big ass cracks.

Set em Up Joe

They all have their favorites.

Sarah has 'Joe Six Pack'.

McCain has 'Joe The Plumber'.

Barack Obama has "Joe The Running Mate'.

That leaves the rest of us with

'Joe: the guy who couldn't afford a plumber so he just said "screw it" and went out and bought a six pack.'

When I Was Your Age

It looks like the "Girls Next Door" are out the door.
82 year old Hugh Hefner is reportedly restocking the Playboy Mansion.

The octengenarian stud has replaced his 'older girlfriends' with 19 year old twins, Kristina and Karissa Shannon.

At this rate it won't be long before Hef is not the only one at the mansion wearing diapers.

Quiet On The Set

As the elections go into the home stretch, several movies are coming out to take advantage of the political circus.

Oliver Stone is about to release W, his version of the Bush story starring Josh Brolin.

Before Sarah Palin's fifteen minutes are up, Larry Flynt is rushing out a porno pic starring a Sarah Palin look a like. (Rich Lowry's pick)

And Documentary film maker, Ken Burns, is putting together a film about the voters themselves.

"The McCain Mutiny"

Yo Quiero Dinero

Financial woes are everywhere and the belt tightening has begun.
This weekend, while the G7 met in Washington and European leaders met on the other side of the Atlantic, worried Americans made great sacrifices.

While pushing Beverly Hills Chihuahua to the top of the box office charts, at the concession stand they opted for the small box of Jujyfruits

Now When I Snap My Fingers...

When asked what they would do if they were to lose this year's election, Senators McCain, Biden and Obama, all said that they would return to Washington and continue to faithfully serve their country.

Governor Palin has said that she would return to Alaska and has invited her newly found faithful to follow her there.

"When they arrive I will personally greet each and every one with a nice glass of Kool Aid".

More Please

Last month insurance giant AIG received an 85 billion dollar bailout from the federal government and promptly threw a bash with $400,000 of it.
This past week they notified the government that they would need an additional 37.5 billion dollars.

When asked to explain, a company executive said,
"Well, we have our Christmas party coming up and then there's New Years Eve. Oh and of course we all get year end bonuses too".

Put It On My Tab

The US government's debts have risen so high that the National Debt Clock near Times Square has just run out of spaces to add more zeroes.

The clock's owners have been trying to replace it with a newer and bigger clock but have so far have been unable to secure the credit needed to make the purchase.

No Voter Left Behind

There is an unlikely new Political Action Group emerging from this years election season.

'Rednecks for Obama'

Formed by Tony Viessman, and Les Spencer, the group has set it's sights on lower income, beer-bellied, gun-toting, NASCAR fans who have had enough of business as usual in Washington.

To counter this loss of voters, the MCain campaign has formed a group just as unlikely.

'Domestic Terrorists for McCain'

So far they have "Squeaky" Fromme and Ted Kazinsky.
Charlie Manson is still undecided.
Unfortunately they are all in prison and cannot vote.

Bill Ayers has applied for status as a 'Redneck'.

And Then I Wrote...

The Stock Market's Down
Unemployment's up
and there's Gloom and Doom all around.

On the bright side:

Look for a lot of great new Blues and Country songs over the next few years.

Yea My Bucket's Got a Hole In It

Here For You

McCain's been having a hard time keeping the Pit Bull on a short leash and Palin's negative campaigning has started causing negative reactions among voters.

His staff has begun suggesting a different campaigning style.
Something much subtler and more subdued.

"We want you to campaign for John just like Hillary campaigns for Barack."

"You know, almost like you're not even there."

Uno Mas Por Favor

In order to make watching the Presidential and Vice Presidential debates more exciting, gatherings around the country have included a drinking game during the debates.
Whenever you hear one of the candidates say a certain word or phrase, you are required to take a drink.

At last night's debate in Nashville:

If you were waiting to hear the word 'Maverick',
you're probably still looking at a full bottle.

If you were waiting for either candidate to use the word 'Fundamental',
you probably got a pretty good buzz.

If you were waiting for John McCain to say "My Friends',
you never even heard the second question.

And you're probably not at work today either.

Look!! In The Air...

Which of the following are true?

Henry Paulson will be unbiased in his bailout handouts.

Sarah Palin was a Geography major.

The UFO Dennis Kucinich saw was really the
Ghost of Reaganomics

Mud Wrasslin

Things are getting nasty in the Presidential race.

Republicans are saying Obama is a Muslim with terrorist ties.

Democrats are saying that McCain is an out of touch old man with a geographically challenged moose hunter one heart beat away from taking over.

Appropriately enough, the new moderator for Tuesday's debate
will be Jerry Springer.

Change We Can Count On

Sarah Palin may not have made it to Washington yet, but she's already trying to change things.

"When I visited the White House recently I noticed that they had a glass ceiling there, and it had about 18 million cracks in it....So I fixed it."

Sarah, Get Me The Mayor

Sarah Palin has gone on the offensive.
She is accusing Barack Obama of "palling around with terrorists."
In a last ditch effort to repair their sagging poll numbers, Republicans are also trying to link Obama with Somali pirates, Wall Street bankers and O.J.

The best the Democrats can counter with is that they have seen Palin palling around with 'Floyd the Barber'.

Snake Eyes

13 years to the day after O.J. Simpson was acquitted in the murders of his ex-wife and her friend, he was found guilty on 12 counts of armed robbery and kidnapping stemming from a confrontation in a Las Vegas hotel room last year.

After the verdict was read, Simpson was led away in handcuffs and allowed one phone call.

He called Henry Paulson.

"Sorry Juice, we're all out of bail money."

It's Still On

Joe Biden failed to deliver the knock out punch that most Democrats were hoping for at Thursday night's Vice Presidential debate. Although many were surprised, no one is more disappointed than future Palin in law, Levi Johnston.

"Dude, it was looking like I was gonna dodge this one.
I guess this means the wedding's still on."

Live From St. Louis.....

After much wrangling and gridlock, Congress believes that they might have finally come up with a solution to the financial crisis.

This Thursday's Vice Presidential debate will now be Pay Per View.

"With the revenue and the residuals and all the DVD sales from this baby, we could bail out Wall Street and still have money left over for the special interests...er, I mean tax payers."

If they could just get the foreign rights, they'll be knee deep in it.

Anything But Blue

Today could prove to be a busy day for all the 08 candidates.

While Obama will be in Wisconsin, McCain in Missouri, Biden in charm school and Palin in boot camp, they may all have to alter their schedules at some point during the day.

Obama, McCain and Biden may have to rush back to Washington to vote on the latest bail out bill.

...and Sarah Palin may have to rush back to Anchorage to vote on what color to repaint the old zamboni.

What Do These Do?

The Vice presidential debates are this Thursday in St. Louis and everyone is getting ready.

Palin's been in boot camp all week.
Biden's been in charm school all week.

And McCain's been in his wife's medicine cabinet all week.

"Gimme a break already. No one needs a week like this."

Bi Partisan Dickering

It's back to the drawing board in Washington over the bail out bill.

Democrats want greater help for home owners.

Republicans want a suspension of the Capital Gains Tax.

And John Boehner wants Barney Frank to stop calling him up in the middle of the night.

"My wife is starting to look at me funny."

Down Is Up and Up Is Down

The Democrats backed Bush. The Republicans rejected Bush.

The posturing and finger pointing in Washington have become one big Danse Macabre.

Things are so crazy, that Rush Limbaugh has given up on his therapist and is going back to his pharmacist.

"When I saw Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly chatting over tea it was the only logical thing to do."

Team Players

The silence of the Clintons during Obama's Presidential campaign has been deafening.

That doesn't mean, however, that they aren't on board.

Barack Obama has agreed to help pay off Hillary's campaign debt, and according to the terms of the agreement the Clintons will be waving 'Vote Obama' signs during rush hour at one of Little Rock's busiest intersections.

And after rush hour is over, they will be back at campaign headquarters putting together yard signs.

Chelsea will just stand behind them and be proud.

On Bended Knee

While everyone was preoccupied with the $700 billion bail out of Wall Street, it looks like the American automobile industry was bailed out to the tune of $25 billion.

No word on what Ford or Chrysler offered in return for the largesse, but word on the street is that GM CEO Rick Wagoner offered everyone in Congress a Hummer.

Put It In A Plain Black Bag

Congress has said that they're willing to work with the White House and Henry Paulson on their request for money.

The only problem they're having

is coming up with 700 billion in unmarked bills.

There's Gold On That Thar Hill

Along with the many Manhattan Mistresses, future MBA graduates are depressed about the current financial crisis.

Devoid of a future that includes Hamptons real estate brokers and complimentary country club memberships, many are choosing a different career path.

They're going into the one field left where they can get their hands on the Big Bucks.

Politics

Do Not Disturb

No one's quite ready to sign the 700 billion dollar blank check Henry Paulson and the White House are requesting.

Even in a closed door meeting, Vice President Dick Cheney couldn't persuade his party members to go along.

"It’s a sad fact, but Americans can no longer trust the economic information they are getting from this administration,” South Carolina Republican Sen. Jim DeMint said.

The meeting was not a total loss though.

The once invincible Cheney told reporters,

"I'm going to my undisclosed location, call me in January."

Primordial Mud

The McCain campaign is preparing to ratchet up the rhetoric once again.
They are calling it self defense.

According to Mark Salter, a top McCain aide,

we are tired of "catching the spears" from the Obama campaign.

"We're not taking it in a racial way", replied an Obama staffer.
"That's just John McCain. He probably knows a thing or two about catching spears.
He might not have invented fire, but he probably knows the guy who did."

Trust Me

The speed with which Henry Paulson and the White House are calling for action on the financial crisis have many people worried.

To some it is eerily similar to the hastened run up to the war in Iraq.

The smoking gun for this crisis may be in the shape of a champagne glass.

For Wall Street.

Maybe we should all stock up on duct tape and plastic.

To bury our money in the back yard.

I'll Take It From Here

Speaking before a crowd in Columbia Mo. the other day, Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden asked state senator Chuck Graham to

"Stand up and let the people see you."

Senator Graham didn't, as he is confined to a wheelchair.


In Youngstown Ohio, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sara Palin, referred to her party's ticket as the Palin/McCain ticket.

One of them thinks he's God. The other has God calling McCain home prematurely.

In medical terms, it's what they call The Cheney Complex.

Uno Mas Por Favor

It appears as though the Mexican Government under President Felipe Calderon may be losing the war on drugs.

According to a recent poll by The BBC Mundo
42 % of all Mexicans fell less safe that they did a year ago.

37 % of Mexican families have felt some impact of the war on drugs and have considered leaving the country.

And 100 % of Mexican males are wondering when the next Salma Hayek film is coming out.

Do As I Say not...

Both presidential candidates, Barack Obama and John McCain, weighed in over the weekend on the meltdown on Wall Street, and the necessary steps needed to prevent it from happening again.

While they differed on the specifics, they did agree on a several key issues.

Top executives should not be allowed to profit from their misdeeds.

Future severance packages should be severely limited.

and

Both McCain and Obama get to keep all the campaign contributions from said executives.

And It All Came Trickling Down

Mapquest has been quite busy over the weekend updating their software to reflect the merging of Wall Street and Pennsylvania Ave.

The past week of financial turmoil has given plenty of people plenty of reasons to let fly with expletives.
Conservative Republicans, however, seem to have resisted the temptation to take His name in vain.

Haven't heard whole lot of Reagan or Reaganomics.

But Is He As Accurate As Cheney

“I guarantee you, Barack Obama ain't taking my shotguns. I got two and if he tries to fool with my Berretta, he's got a problem.”

Sarah Palin?

No. It was Joe Biden, speaking before a crowd in coal country Virginia.


There is talk of putting together a new VP search committee.

"I didn't pick Hillary because I was afraid she'd pull out a knife and do a 'Jesse Jackson' on me.
Now I got this crazy white guy threatening to shoot me."

Obama is now tipping his Secret Service detail more than the standard 20 %.

In Defense of Pork

More disturbing news from the Heartland.

First there was the immigrant raid on a meat packing plant in Postville Iowa back in May.

Now an undercover video shot by a PETA member in Greene County Iowa shows incidents of abuse to pigs on a farm that supplies meat to Hormel Foods.
Some of the abuse has even been called sexual abuse.

No word yet on whether any lipstick was involved.

Can't we all just eat Tofu here?

No Really, I'm Serious

In an attempt to rally her disenfranchised base to come out and vote for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton has begun a new voter outreach program dubbed,

"Hillary Sent Me."

The name of the program was not Hillary's first choice.

She proposed several names that were ultimately nixed by the Party.

They began graciously enough with,

"He may not be the future of the Party but he's all we've got."

then it got a little too wordy,

"I really don't like this anymore than you do, but I have this huge campaign debt, and Barack has promised to... blah blah bah"


to just plain acceptance of reality,

"Oh just hold your nose and do it."

Brother Can You Spare me A Rhyme

Bruce Springsteen got upset when Ronald Reagan used “Born in the U.S.A.” on the campaign trail in 1984.
Tom Petty threatened to sue George W. Bush in 2000 when he used “I Won’t Back Down.”
Earlier this year John Mellencamp had his agent call the McCain campaign to tell them to stop using “Pink Houses” and “Our Country”.

It now appears that the McCain campaign has finally found a song, and from the unlikeliest of sources.

The Dixie Chicks called and offered one of their songs.

"Cold Day in July"

From Top To Bottom

With all the latest turmoil on Wall street comes calls for new rules and regulations.

Instead of Golden Parachutes, luxury penthouses and East River yacht clubs, new severance packages will be more likely to include a chain, a cinder block and a row boat ride to the middle of the East River.

Questioned on the current crisis, one former CEO said he was really glad to be out of the game. His days are less complicated and his assets are solid.


"I'm getting three squares a day, I've got half a carton of cigarettes and plenty of soap on a rope," said federal inmate and former Enron CEO, Jeffrey Skilling.

When asked if he had any advice for his former peers, Mr. Skilling just smiled and said,
"We'll leave the light on."

The Weight Is Over

After five years Heavy Metal band, Metallica, has released it's "much" anticipated 12th album, "Death Magnetic".

No one is more thrilled than Metallica fan, Mick Cassidy, who in 2006 lost a drunken bet with his wife, Maendi.

Mick was forced to spend the last two years growing a beard, while 65,000 people on the internet monitored the growth. Presumably Metallica fans.

The beard was recently shaved off by Metallica's own James Hetfield.

“It was a relief. The beard made me look like a tomato with hair.”
said Mick, who along with wife Maendi, are now in AA.


The clean and sober Cassidys have added their own "13th step" to the AA program.

All of their Metallica CDs are now listed on eBay.

How Much For A Refill?

In the Seattle some coffee shops are really making people rise and shine.

Baristas wearing pasties, spike heels and lingerie at shops called Espresso Gone Wild, Java Girls and Chicka Latte now greet the morning commuter grabbing a cuppa Joe on the way to work.

Mason County Commissioner Tim Sheldon has drawn the line at pasties, but others want even more. They want signs posted warning potential customers.

The shops have eagerly complied and revamped their signage.

Instead of Tall Grande and Venti

They now serve

32B , 34C and 36DD

Don't forget the Sweet Cakes and Sugar Buns.

A Woman's Place is....

Not all Republican women are completely enamored with Sarah Palin.

Even though they may agree with her politics and religious beliefs, many traditional women think that a mother with as many children as Ms. Palin should be spending more time at home with those children.

One voter was quoted as saying,

"I really do like Sarah, but the only way I would vote for her is if she wasn't running."


However...

There are many Democrats who may cross over.
Democrats who are attracted to strong willed and attractive women.

Say... John Edwards for example.

What's In A Name

Fannie and Freddie, Merrill and the Lehman Brothers.
As more and more banking institutions slip under the waves for the third time, it looks as though the last one afloat will be the presciently named Bank of America.

If that's not scary enough, Kenneth D. Lewis, Bank of America’s chairman, was recently observed checking out domain names at GoDaddy.com.

TheWorldBank.org was taken.
Don't know about TheWorldBank.com

And now it's AIG's turn.

They had hoped that the Chinese Government could raise the $85 billion needed.

Their answer from Beijing....
"Who do you think we are? Barack Obama?"

Position Wanted

The US Interior Department's Inspector General has uncovered a culture of corruption and promiscuity at the Minerals and Management Service in Denver.

It seems that they have put a whole new spin on The Mile High Club.

The inspector has assured the public that it is a departmental problem and not a political problem.

"It's merely a coincidence that we share the same slogan."

Drill Baby Drill

Sympathy From The Devil

On Fox news the other day Karl Rove was quoted as saying that John McCain's campaign may have gone "one step too far" in it's ads against Barak Obama.

In other news......

Hell froze over

Bill O'Reilly joined the PBS news team

and Hillary pledged her full support to Barak Obama